EMOR: Is your child is a blasphemer?

There are so many words out there. Compared to biblical times? Holy Cow! Words flood us. Good words, bad words, funny words, kind words--written, spoken, in symbols and online. So much of our reality is defined by what is written or spoken. And words also fill our homes: good, bad, funny and hurtful words.

In our morning service, Shachrit, we read the Baruch She'amar prayer (10th century): "Blessed in the One who Spoke and the world came into being". According to our tradition, the world was created through words/utterances. First associated with God speaking the world into being in Genesis, we learn that reality is created through words.

Pirkei Avot 5:1 (: the world was created through 10 utterances. 

Words, in Judaism,  are not only important, they are the building blocks, like Legos, of reality.

In our Torah portion this week, Emor Leviticus 21:1-24:23,  we find a short little story. Narrative stories in Leviticus are rare so this story makes my ears perk up. This is the story of the blasphemer. In this biblical telling a certain man quarrels with another man, swears and uses God's holy name within the context of a conflict. Not the right place or time for bringing God into things. His punishment for using God's holy name, the four letter tetragrammaton, is death. He is taken outside the camp and stoned to death. It is hard core. And it is hard to find commentary on this Torah passage because it is so severe and we do nothing like this in our contemporary practice. As a mom I like this story. As violent and disturbing as it is. I like the focus on the power of words. And I relish the opportunity to point out how damaging hurtful words can be within a family. The end result of hurtful words, of using words to harm, is a sort of death. Allow me to explain.

I am a big fan of the Washington State-based marriage therapist and practicing Jew, John Gottman. His stuff is so good. Gottman teaches in his marriage workshops that hurtful words cause IRREPARABLE damage in marriages. Calling your partner a name or names creates a rift, perhaps small but a rift none the less. And over time this rift, with more and more names being shouted out, grows and cannot be breached. Words kill. Words kill relationships. And Godliness, intimate connection based on seeing the Divine, unlimited possibility,  in the other and honoring it. Holy connection is core to healthy relationship.

Blasphemy is using words that hurt at the soul level, the place where god resides in your relationship. This is how I am understanding this story within the context of modern Jewish life. No one is going to be taken back out side the temple and pelted with stones if they use God's name in vain or quarrel with other members. We do not castigate people for using the Holy name, as none of us know how to pronounce it. And if someone tries to pronounce it-no big deal. That is not blasphemy. Blasphemy is using words to kill holy relationships.  The connection between holiness, Divinity and words is clear and is still relevant for us today. Words heal and words hurt. Use them with care. Be careful about what you create with your words.

My kids, my two boys age 10 and 16, argue all the time. It is to the point that I just put in ear plug or head phones and pray they will find me if there is spilling of blood. I worry though. About the words they use with each other. I want them to understand the power of words within intimate relationships-family, fiends and community. When you call names, when you assault each other with disparaging remarks-stupid, fat, clumsy, idiot-you kill something within your relationship. There is a little death.

You can't take back hurtful comments. They exist in their own realm. They take life of their own. And they can corrode the relationship from within. I want my boys to be in loving relationship their entire lives. They might not think calling each other mean names is a big deal, long term, but I do. We speak of the home being the small sanctuary of the the Divine, a place to cultivate love for each other and for God. One way we can foster this as parents is to teach our children: words create reality. Use them carefully. Do not use your words as weapons to wound because those wounds take a long time to heal, if ever. And sometimes those wounds become infected and lead to the death of a relationship.

I can't control what comes out of anyone's mouth but my own. I can teach my children the wisdom of our people. I can teach them that to insult someone, to hurt them with words, is blasphemy. It is an assault on holiness. Name calling hurts that which is most precious and important in our lives: our loving  relationships with others. The only Name one should call on in a fight is the Name of the Holy One, to come into the space between those in conflict and bring peace to the family.

What a RabbiMommy is thankful for

Thankful for? Is this even proper grammar? Probably not but I am too tired to care too much.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. This means I am turning 35 years old. No longer young. Now I am a thirty something. I remember that show--watching it as a teen. Thinking to myself how boring and yet totally tense and erratic these people's lives were, how they spent so much time searching for meaning and searching for identity. I loved to wtch the show because of my disdain for their lives. They seemed SO old and so messed up. Thinking back I wonder how those characters had time to work or care for their kids with all the drama and angst.

I am so thankful for the lack of drama and angst in my life. For the stability, the meaning and the identity that being a rabbi mommy gives me. My purpose and direction is set for me each and every day--by my kids, by my congregants, by my faith, by my dedication to my own life. High drama is the frantic pace we move in our house when we hear the cat begin to barf on the carpet.

Last night at Temple there was this delightful young man who had Aspergers. He came up on the bima during family services and played a maraca right next to me at he podium and smiled at me. He was 100% comfortable rocking out in front of the congregation--he was pure expression of shabbat peace and love. After services he recited all of the Jewish holidays for me--including Kol ha-moed, Tisha b'av and Shmini atzeret. The Rabbi in me was captivated by him comfort and love of Judaism. The mommy in me was captivated by his smile and his sweet nature. What a gift--to have the chance to meet such a wonderful person who reminds me of this Martin Buber (adapted) quote:

Every person born into this world represents something new, something that never existed before, something original and unique. It is the duty of every person in Israel to know and consider that he is unique in the world in his particular character, and that there has never been someone like him before. For if there had been someone like him before, there would be no need for him to be in the world. Every single person is a new thing in the world and is called upon to fulfill his particularity in the world.

I am grateful for this reality. That each if us has a purpose, each of us is special, each of us is unique. I do not need to suffer, to wonder--why am I here? The reality--I am here. Why ask why? Just live. Just enjoy your life.

35 years old? I thought it would look different. I thought my husband and I would be staying up late having intense conversations about the nature if realty and sex and interfaith issues. Just like they did on thirtysomething back in the ate 1980s. But instead we are too tired to talk. I did not even get to tell him about the delightful young man with Aspergers at services last night. He is going to have to read about it on my blog. 35 years old? I am simply grateful for my family and my career. For my funky little house and my great new boots that fit my calves (I have been searching for years). I am thanksful for what I have accomplished so far. For all the goodness in my life. For the fact that I am too distracted and too damn tired to feel existential angst. I am too consumed and sometimes overwelmed with the basic meaning, purpose and direction of my life too wonder: why am I here?

Happy Giving Thanks!

Shabbat Morning--rethinking shomer shabbat

I grew up shomer shabbat--observing all the rules of Shabbat. No TV. No driving. No spending money. OK--we turned on the lights. My dad was a Reform Rabbi. But by and large we were pretty observant when it came to Shabbat.

I hated it. I felt cut off from the world. No one else in our town was shomer shabbat. Everyone else went to the movies, birthday parties and to the local farmers market and craft fair. The worst part--not being able to watch Saturday morning cartoons. My brother and I would stand outside our neighbor's huge picture window and watch cartoons through the glass. How sad is that? Standing out in the cold in the Pacific North West mist early on a Saturday morning to watch Tom and Jerry? To tell the truth we were also outside because inside was no fun. Dad was at Shul. Mom was tired and stressed. She wanted peace and quiet. We wanted to be entertained. We wanted kid shabbat menucha/Shabbat rest--to veg out in front of the TV.

I have kids now. My husband and I are both rabbis. We have made different choices for our family. No TV during the week but TONS of TV on the weekend and especially on Shabbat. I cannot tell you the bliss I feel (on the rare Shabbat morning that I am not working) when my 7 year old is watching Sponge Bob in the basement and I am sleeping and resting and reading in bed. My husband can read the paper and sip coffee. The baby plays quietly on the floor. The house is quiet. Everyone is content. We are relaxed. I can reflect on how much I love my family, my congregation and my life. I can give thanks for all of my blessings.

We need to rethink Shabbat. We need to create Shabbat traditions for our families that work for contemporary Jews. We need to keep Shabbat and protect Shabbat. This means making Shabbat rest relevant and meaningful in our lives. According to our creation story Shabbat was built into the foundations of creation. It is as essential as the sun and moon, oceans and plants. Bereshit/Genesis teaches us that on the 7th day God took a deep breath and rested. This is what we need to do--rest. Just rest. Figure out what that means for you and do it-rest!

I want Shabbat. I need Shabbat. Being shomer shabbat in the traditional ways is not an option for us. It would make me crazy. And that is the last thing our world needs--a crazy Rabbi Mommy.